The Airing of Grievances

Festivus, Frank Costanza’s answer to what he perceived as the over-commercialization of Christmas, was bestowed to TV viewers a dozen years ago on a classic Seinfeld episode. Part of Frank’s ritual was something he called “the airing of grievances.”

In honor of the upcoming holiday I’ve decided to make my feelings on the landscape of TV heard. As Frank said in that landmark episode, “I got a lot of problems with you people!”

NBC Thursday

I won’t even address Parks and Recreation, which was never good to begin with but is now so void of laughs that it’s remarkable no one has canned it yet, because something can’t disappoint if it never did anything right in the first place.

But the rest of NBC’s lineup has certainly, surprisingly let me down.

30 Rock’s season premiere had me so excited that I was bouncing in anticipation, but it didn’t take to long to lull me into a sleep. Since then the show has just sort of plodded along, providing a few quality laughs but nothing groundbreaking. Sorry, 30 Rock, but you aren’t allowed to just make me chuckle. If you’re going to keep sweeping the Emmys, you need to blow my socks off like you did in season two.

The Office needs to consider a major overhaul. Jim and Pam’s treacherous non-romance was delightful for four seasons, because TV shows thrive on conflict. But now they’re happily married, and like all married couples, they’re boring. They’ve tried to introduce more company drama, but no one cares about that. We want to see romance-gone-wrong, and soon.

Community is the funniest show on TV right now, but it hasn’t yet had an episode as good as its pilot. That’s never a good sign.

Glee

The pilot that Glee aired last spring was funny, genuine and heartwarming, and the music actually sounded decent. When the show returned, though, it wasn’t any of those things. The writing felt impossibly stale, the drama was manufactured and poorly acted and the singing was auto-tuned to hell.

To this day Jane Lynch’s Sue Sylvester character is the only funny character (though she is very funny), and the singing has actually gotten faker, but at least the acting and writing are a bit sharper. But it’s hard to get over just how creepy and robotic and lip-synched all the musical scenes are.

Mad Men fans

Is anyone more obnoxious than fans of AMC’s drama Mad Men? Ask them why they love the show and they’ll gush about the style and the sets, and how everyone smokes and acts cool — never any mention of the story’s quality, though.

But it must be the best drama on TV, because graphic designers, hipsters and Twitter users seem to obsess over it. And if you don’t, you probably just aren’t cool enough to appreciate it.

TBS

If it wasn’t cruel enough that they rewarded worst-man-on-Earth Tyler Perry’s worst-show-on-Earth House of Payne with another comedy mutilation, Meet The Browns, they gave George Lopez his own talk show, complete with what they called “a party-in-the-street atmosphere.” None of these things are “Very Funny.” Or even slightly, remotely funny in the least.

Comedy Central

I take back calling Tyler Perry the worst man in the world. Jeff Dunham is the worst man in the world. His show is the worst show on TV. And Comedy Central is a network of sell-outs for giving his racism a primetime platform. All the goodwill they earned through hosting Stewart and Colbert has disappeared.

Jersey Shore

Maybe if the show were called “Out-Of-Staters Visiting the Jersey Shore” I’d hate it less. But it’s called Jersey Shore, and that means these creatures will continue to be nationally associated, mostly erroneously, with our beautiful, friendly Garden State. Come on MTV, haven’t we been abused enough?

Cougar Town

It can’t be easy to follow Modern Family, one of the few shows that hasn’t yet disappointed. But Cougar Town, from Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence, is not worthy of the slot. Courtney Cox complains about being old and out of shape, but she has the physique of a model and not a wrinkle in sight.

The show is unapologetic in shooting for its demographic of 22- to 55-year-old women, but it could at least make an attempt to throw men a bone every so often. So far, this hasn’t been the case. Every single man is a weak caricature, from the whipped neighbor husband to the youngish lady-killer across the street. We get it — men like boats, beer, golf and women.

CBS viewers

For making Two and a Half Men the top-rated comedy, NCIS the top-rated drama and NCIS: L.A. the most successful new show of the season, CBS’s viewers need to be slapped across the face — repeatedly — until they agree to change the channel if you stop hitting them. It makes us look like a nation of lazy, mindless TV viewers who are satisfied with settling for the same show, re-re-repackaged and served with 10 percent more helicopter flyover shots.

Then again, maybe American TV viewers really do feel like that stuff. In which case, this Festivus is for all of you. You all watch garbage.